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Your Peedmont Horoscope for 2018

Here in time for the new year are The Peedmont’s first ever horoscopes, divined from the stars by our crack team of new age astrologers.

Aries

The year ahead holds many changes and some turbulent times. Be wary with new romance and whatever you do, don’t fuck a Virgo. Search instead for a smart new Gemini who will be on your wavelength.

Taurus

Flirt with a Libra with no intention of dating them with any seriousness. They are so clingy, but the sex will be great. Expect a surprisingly welcome gift to be carried your way by a friendly Pisces.

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Gemini

Protect your fortunes in the coming year as you weather some economic uncertainty. Aries will come to you with open arms, but if they try a lame line on you about “being on the same wavelength” be wary of them. Only trust your money with a Capricorn.

Cancer

Pisces will come calling wearing the guise of a friend, but really they are just looking for attention. A Leo possessing recent riches is the love you should be seeking for yourself.

Leo

A great inheritance will be passed to you and with it will come those looking for handouts. Don’t believe Cancer when they come to you claiming it’s all for love. Look to Scorpio when you need help most in your most dire hour.

Virgo

This is your time to get out there and be somebody. Your path ultimately combines with that of Aries who you should pursue at all costs — they are the one for you.

Libra

A Capricorn is the one who murdered your father all those many years ago, seek justice. Serious long term romantic pursuits that could lead to marriage are also on the horizon for you — keep watch for a Taurus.

Scorpio

Those who claim they need help most often have bad motives. Especially don’t trust any Leos who come calling. An Aquarius riding a wave of joy seeks to share it with you; grab hold and don’t let go!

Sagittarius

You’ll soon be running into an Aquarius with romantic intentions but they are actually pining for a Scorpio so don’t be fooled by their advances.

Capricorn

A well-to-do Gemini will finally arrive to help make your new startup happen by making a significant investment. Sadly, your enterprise is doomed to fail and will leave a Libra looming in the shadows looking to slander you.

Aquarius

You are soon to enjoy a rush of good fortune and happiness, but be wary of a clingy Scorpio who wants to drag you down. Get ready for a promising new Sagittarius to fall into your orbit.

Pisces

It’s time to finally pay off those you owe for their love and encouragement, but only reward Taurus with a stab in a back — they never actually liked you. Take time for Cancer, they need your support and will repay you in kind.

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