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Democrats Run Puppy Against Tim Kaine in Primary, Kaine Endorses Puppy

RICHMOND, Va. In a stunning move, incumbent Sen. Tim Kaine, D-Va., announced today his official endorsement of candidate Alfred Albie, a golden retriever puppy recently selected by the Democratic Party to run against Kaine in the Virginia primary on June 12.

Albie, a junior candidate with next to no political experience and a passion for fetch, was selected by party officials in an effort to give voters another option in the primary. However, when Kaine was made aware of his opponent, he immediately announced his support for Albie, surprising Democrats and Republicans alike.

“I think Mr. Albie is just the kind of voice we need in the Senate right now,” Kaine remarked at a press conference, adding that the canine’s qualities make him an ideal senator. “He’s got integrity, he’s determined, and he’s absolutely the cutest darn thing I’ve ever seen. He’ll definitely be getting my vote on the 12th.”

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Albie’s platforms include support for increased belly scratches, tax breaks for squeaky toy manufacturers, and advocacy for crisis relief for dogs left without their owners for more than 10 minutes.

His campaign has not come without controversy; however, despite accusations that Albie has a history of taking donations in the form of dog treats from Big Biscuit lobbyists, Kaine has defended him, calling the accusations “bogus” and “poppycock.”

“He may get a bit sidetracked when he smells food, or when [Mark] Warner starts cuddling with him, but I’m confident that he’s the right candidate for the job. And he pulls off the bow tie look better than anyone else in politics right now.”

Kaine has wasted no time in changing his campaign actions to better support Albie. This week he rescheduled his entire campaign tour to coincide with Albie’s so he could open for him at events, and he has changed the domain for his campaign site to redirect to Albie’s official site.

Current polls show Albie ahead of Kaine in a 70-30 percent lead. Some Republicans have even taken a liking to him as well, such as New Kent resident Jim Lowerdy, who talked about Albie in a recent Facebook comment: “There ain’t no way I can support a guy who campaigned with HilLIARy, but I think that pooch Albie might be able to provide a voice for everyone in the Senate. Once I find out his position on the Second Amendment, I’ll make my final decision.”

Kaine, who is preparing for his joint campaign tour with Albie, was seen with Lt. Gov. Justin Fairfax playing fetch with Albie outside of the Capitol building.

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