Belle Isle Used To Quarantine Coronavirus Victims, Creates Bitchin’ Good Times

RICHMOND, Va. — What was meant to be a temporary quarantine of Richmond coronavirus victims on Belle Isle turned out to be an absolute blast of a rager, as feverish wheezing residents sought to assuage their symptoms with beer, whip-its, and selfies by the rapids. 

“The quarantine on Belle Isle was intended to be temporary,” John Schwigg, a spokesperson for the Richmond Department of Health, said in a statement. “But the victims have turned their plight into one hell of a party, with booze, drugs, and no one else around to bother them. It’s turning more into a vacation for them than it is an emergency procedure in response to a dangerous virus.”

“To be honest, we’re not sure if we can get them off the island,” Schwigg added. “If the virus doesn’t kill them off, they may decide to stay there and basically recreate Slaughterama.”

The Richmond Department of Health sends food shipments to the infected every other day; however, victims of the island have also successfully used UberEats to obtain some of Richmond’s most popular cuisines, such as tots from Sticky Rice, the Greek nachos from Kitchen 64, and a few pizzas from Belmont Pizzeria. 

Officials initially banned the importation of Chinese food to Belle Isle as a precautionary measure but quickly lifted it after backlash that their ban was both ridiculous and kind of racist. 

“The infected also pooled their money together to spend $200 on dollar tacos from Banditos,” Schwigg said. “Meanwhile I can’t get off work early enough to make it to their happy hour. Lucky bastards.”

“This party is fucking lit, y’all,” Henry Darkins, a Church Hill resident and victim of the dangerous disease, posted on Twitter. “There aren’t that many of us, so all the good rocks on the island are up for grabs. All we need is bike jousting and this will blow all of the other Richmond festivals off the map. This would be a pretty sick way to go out, no pun intended.”

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