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Report: Majority of Richmond Willing to Sacrifice Nutzy in Satanic Ritual in Order To Save Kitchen 64

RICHMOND, Va. — Stressing that the landmark restaurant is worth fighting for at all costs, a recent report has found that a vast majority of Richmond residents would be willing to sacrifice Flying Squirrels mascot Nutzy to save Kitchen 64 from closing. 

“We’ll do whatever is necessary to protect our Greek Nachos, and if that means sacrificing one of our own, then so be it,” a spokesperson for grassroots organization Save The Kitchen (STK) said in a statement, noting that the city’s baseball team could always find a new mascot, but that Kitchen 64 was irreplaceable. 

“We like Nutzy and all, but we love Westwood Clubs,” the STK spokesperson continued. “We are willing to make the difficult choice to sacrifice that furball on a candlelit altar backed by Gregorian chants to keep the latter. We ask that whatever restaurant deity or higher culinary power is listening to please give us a sign as to what type of offering would appease you. We can even use produce or meats directly from the restaurant in the sacrifice, if necessary.”

At the time of reporting, Nutzy was seen barricading himself in the team’s locker room with a shotgun and a six pack of Hardywood Singel.

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