New Law Requires Children at Breweries to Remain on Leash at All Times

RICHMOND, Va. — Some are calling it the greatest thing for breweries since barley.

A law recently passed by the Virginia General Assembly states that children under the age of 13 shall remain on a leash while inside of a brewery. If not, then the parents of the leashless child, as well as the brewery, could face a stiff penalty.

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“I got the idea while watching ‘Willy Wonka,’” delegate Larry Witherow said. “Those damn kids. Couldn’t they just stay with their parents? Then I thought about my brother-in-law who works at a brewery in Jersey. Boy, he’d love something like this!”

While the breweries are reveling in their hard-won victory, the new law is not without detractors. Some parents feel that a leash may be detrimental to a child’s development.

“My child Tungsten is no saint,” local mother Donna Thornton said, “but he’s not an animal either. These new leash laws aren’t going to help him nurture his creative side. I’m worried that he will develop severe issues with expressing himself. Not to mention, leashes cause serious chafing.”

Child leash laws have become a hotly debated topic over the last few years. Some feel that children can pose health risks and hazards when unaccompanied. Others feel that their child is a superstar and shouldn’t be confined to a tether. Noted child psychologist Norma Fredericks sees both sides of the argument.

“Yes, your son or daughter is a superstar. He or she is indeed the king or queen of the universe,” Fredericks admitted. “But that doesn’t mean they can’t wreak havoc either. Leash laws help protect the public, the parents, and a lot of beer. It’s something we all need.”

Once the leash law goes into effect, Witherow hopes that the hubbub will die down and people will get used to it. Over time, he says, everyone will win.

“The breweries won’t have to worry about accidents, and the kids will learn some discipline. You know who could’ve used some discipline? Veruca Salt, that’s who!”