News Peed

King of Pops Abdicates Throne Amidst Popsicle Uprising

RICHMOND, Va. — Crowds erupted into cheers outside of the King of Pops’ Scott’s Addition headquarters yesterday afternoon following news that the King of Pops has bowed to the mounting Popsicle Uprising and abdicated his throne.

The news spread quickly among Pop rebels who have long sought to end the terrifyingly refreshing reign of the Popsicle King.

The collapse of the Pop Monarchy marks the culmination of a months-long popular revolt and a significant shift in Richmond’s frozen dessert political landscape. Many involved in the Popsicle Uprising are calling on leaders to draft a strawberry- or basil/orange-flavored constitution and install a democratic government based around either ice cream or smoothies.

“We’ve lived under ice cold tyranny for too long,” shouted rebel leader Jean-Michel d’Glace, addressing a crowd from atop a barricade of King of Pops carts. “We’re tired of the same boring flavors. We demand a new way to govern ourselves while staying refreshed all summer.”

D’Glace, who emerged as the leader of the so-called People’s Popsicle Movement (PPM) after storming a King of Pops cart on Cary Street last August, finished his speech by calling out, “Who will be strong and stand with me?”

Those loyal to the crown were seen stocking up on the remaining King of Pops’ supply in Ellwood Thompson’s dessert aisle. Like the popsicles, their own numbers are dwindling.

“We owe everything to the Popsicle King,” shouted Marie St. Celesti, a leader among the loyalists. “The opposition will soon discover the challenges of hiring so many college kids to run those carts. Their dreams of self-rule will soon be crushed by the mounting pressures of logistics and inventory management.”

As dusk settled on the city, bonfires fueled by popsicle sticks were seen illuminating the night sky. “Tomorrow is a new day for us all,” delighted d’Glace. “The people have risen up peacefully and shown our true flavors. The time is now, new flavors will be ours!”

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