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Local Band Thrilled by Five Person Turnout on a Wednesday

RICHMOND, Va. — Playing their hearts out to an audience whose attendance could be quantified by the number of fingers on a single hand, local punk band Wasp Nostril is thrilled by the five person turnout for a Wednesday, sources confirmed Wednesday evening.

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Wasp Nostril has been on a multi-venue tour throughout Richmond for the last seven years. Alternating between the sidewalk in front of Strange Matter, the alley behind The Camel, and the parking lot of the Arby’s on Broad Street, Wasp Nostril has gained a devoted following of anyone who happened to be passing by.

Last Wednesday saw Wasp Nostril’s most popular show yet, a Wednesday night gig at the Canal Club which drew a total of five people. However, early estimates say that this may or may not include the bartender and Cecil, an elderly regular who orders a few PBRs while talking to no one.

Ronald Rogaine, Nostril’s lead singer, was thrilled at the crowd size. “We were expecting maybe two or three people,” Rogaine explained excitedly. “To see five people out there was just inspiring. We work so hard on the road, and it’s great to see the fans show up and belt out the lyrics from our new album ‘Cacophony of Nonsense,’ which has sold tens of copies on the dark web.”

Frank Jackson was one of those in attendance, and expressed positive sentiments about the enormous crowd. “I’m friends with the band and they keep asking me to go to their shows, but I’m usually very busy or just don’t want to go. But to see that turnout on Wednesday was incredible. It was like seeing Queen at Wembley Stadium, except it was…Wasp Nostril in Richmond, Virginia.”

“Maybe they’ll stop asking me to come to shows now,” Jackson added.

Wasp Nostril’s Wednesday show currently holds the record for the largest audience the musical group has entertained. Rogaine considers this achievement the beginning of something big.

“We beat all the big acts for Wednesday shows. Love Rhombus had four folks show up for their Wednesday show back in 2011 at O.U.R. House. We smashed Sexual Hubris’s two-person show back in 1997. Wonderbutt had one guy show up on a Wednesday back in 1988, but he was the night shift janitor so I guess you could dispute those numbers.”

This newfound success has catapulted the band into self-described superstardom, but they’re careful not to let it go to their heads. “We need to stay humble,” Rogaine said. “But we got five people to show up on a Wednesday, so what’s next, Madison Square Garden? The sky’s the limit.”

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