HENRICO, Va. — A recent study has found that local dad, 49-year-old Kurt Maschuli, is the sole patron of the Sears at the Regency Square Mall.
RELATED (article continued below):
- Richmond Prepared to Evacuate if Short Pump Continues to Grow
- “Did you know Doug is based on Henrico County?” Asks Guy Who Just Fucking Got Here
- Richmond City Council Takes Bird Box Approach to Addressing Public School Conditions
After surveying households across the greater Richmond region, data shows that Maschuli was the only person who named the Regency Square Sears as his go-to source for clothing, furniture, kitchen appliances, tools, and sporting goods.
Skeptical of this data, market researcher Rachel Gibbs sought to verify the claim. Gibbs went to the Regency Square Mall Sears with the hope of speaking with the store manager but instead found something far more shocking.
“I got to the store and couldn’t find a single person to talk to,” Gibbs recounted. “Then suddenly, I saw a thin-haired man in jean shorts, browsing the Craftsmen drills. I asked him if he was Kurt Maschuli, and sure enough, he was. I couldn’t believe it.”
When asked why Maschuli still chose to shop at Sears, he explained that Regency Square Mall was between his house and office and that it was partly out of convenience. “Plus I like the fact that at Sears, there aren’t women yelling at their kids to stop running amuck or gaggles of teenagers with their selfies or Justin Beiber music. In fact, there’s never anyone else here when I come to get my Kenmore appliances repaired or stock up on Land’s End polo shirts. I don’t know, I just prefer Sears.”
Upon further investigation it was revealed that Maschuli had been the only patron keeping West Broad Street’s Blockbuster Video afloat until he finally signed up for a Netflix account, resulting in the store’s closure in 2014.
Support local journalism; buy at least 10 of our t-shirts today from our online store today.