The Peedmont’s Guide to Self-Diagnosing COVID-19 Because You Don’t Have Insurance

With coronavirus fever in full swing around Virginia and across the world, those without comprehensive health insurance can’t help but feel left behind in this crisis. If you’re like us and holding out for universal healthcare before purchasing insurance, you may be walking around in stark agony, wondering if you have contracted the virus from eating that vegan panini that was accidently thrown in the trashcan even though there was no other trash in there so it should be fine but you’re not too sure. For your convenience, we’ve compiled a short list of methods you can use to be absolutely sure if you’ve become the next big biohazard on the block.

Seek Council From Someone Really Into Astrology

We all know someone who fits the bill here. It could be that one guy from your psychology elective back at college, that one tinder date who owns a pack of tarot cards, or your weed dealer’s fiancé. Seek out anyone who has an understanding of esoteric forces and sacred geometry and have them review your horoscope. If your mystic friend mentions any phrases such as “bad vibes,” “disturbed chakras,” or anything that has to do with an imbalance of chi, then we have some bad news for you: the coronavirus is already ravaging your immune system. Quarantine yourself.

The Corona-Rita Test

If witchcraft and wizardry is not your thing, we have an alternative solution for our more mainstream readers that involves a drink once regarded as a sign of a good time—though now it could signal your imminent demise. Start off by going to your nearest Chili’s restaurant and ordering four Corona-ritas. Proceed to drink all of the beverages as fast as you can within a one-hour time period. If your body rejects the tonic (i.e. vomiting), then the jig is up. Return to your domicile and prepare for men in hazmat suits to take you away for experimentation.

Score a Date With a Nurse

Everyone knows there is an abundance of nurses in our community, all with first-hand experience in identifying diseases and ailments. Lucky for you some of them are also single! Hang out around hospitals and doctor’s offices and look out for medical professionals who seem to be looking to fill a void in their lives with affection. Once a lonely nurse succumbs to your irresistible charm, casually ask them about various symptoms of certain epidemics and see if they match with your own condition. Disregard the fact that your date is in contact with sickly people regularly. They have antidotes they may be willing to share if you have a true love connection. While this method is by far the most tedious, not only is it effective, but it will also make you wish you had actually gone out and voted for that old guy who is offering free health insurance for everyone instead of staying home playing Wii Sports all day.