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Henrico Woman Receives 23andMe Results, Horrified to Discover Family Is From Petersburg

GLEN ALLEN, Va. After participating in the popular ancestry-testing service 23andMe, Henrico woman Priscilla Paterson had an unpleasant surprise when she discovered that she has DNA indicating she is from Petersburg.

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“It said that I am 95% European, 1% East African, 1% South Asian, and an assortment of other nationalities,” she said excitedly before starting to tear up with the follow-up news. “But in terms of 23andMe’s specific locality-based testing, I was shocked to discover that they determined I am 2% Petersburg.”

23andMe is beta-testing a new option that will use specific algorithms to determine which city in the United States your family most likely hailed from. Paterson participated in this experimentation phase unknowingly and is clearly terrified by the results.

“Oh, God,” she said, in between bouts of crying. “I’m basically conceived from the dirty, broke stepsister to Richmond. Why couldn’t it have said Portsmouth instead? Or even Colonial Heights? Why, oh why did it have to be Petersburg?”

“The only good thing that has ever happened in Petersburg was the Confederate surrender in 1865,” she added.

While 23andMe has been an unprecedented success that has helped reconnect distant relatives, solve gaps in family genealogy, and turn people on to the mysteries and histories hiding within their own DNA, Paterson gives 23andMe a less-than-stellar review.

“I don’t know if I would have gone through with it had I known that this would be an option,” she stated, head in hand. “Does this mean I have to start to care about Petersburg? That’s not what I expected when I sent a bunch of my saliva to a company. I just thought they’d tell me which Scandinavian country my people originated from, but not this. Never this.”

When asked what she plans to do with this newly-found information, she reasoned that she would follow what most other transplants whose families originated in Petersburg do and complain about the city for the rest of her natural life.

Additionally, Paterson reached out to the Petersburg city government to see if she could view and ultimately utilize census data and other genealogy resources to confirm 23andMe’s analysis. Due to their heavy workload, the City of Petersburg Department of Public Records assured her that they could send her a report after the last broken water main in town is fixed, which they predict will be sometime in the year 2078.

Despite the news, she remained slightly optimistic on what her ancestry could have been instead of Petersburg, stating, “at least it didn’t say I was from Hopewell.”

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17 Comments on Henrico Woman Receives 23andMe Results, Horrified to Discover Family Is From Petersburg

  1. Don’t be so uppity it is what it is. Don’t forget where you came from. Embrace Petersburg they just need Peace and Love. If you could handle the truth, you shouldn’t went looking.


  2. She obviously doesn’t know that Petersburg, before it became a welfare city, was THE place to live.


  3. Wow! Lol. This is like finding out a white supremacist has black ancestry😂….is this why you are angry?


    • No it’s not. Why would this be about race to you? It says IN HER results she has black ancestry. It’s about the fact that Petersburg right now is a complete crap hole. NONE of the public schools have any accreditation the city council ppl are corrupt and the city itself is bankrupt. but you go ahead and make it about race. Let your *true* colors show.


  4. ROFLMFAO …atleast it didn’t say Hopewell…


  5. This article, as the website, is obviously fake news. it’s a joke. I fucking love Petersburg.


  6. Get real, not only is the subject of the article wrong, no one that commented mentioned that General Lee did not surrender at Petersburg. Being second generation Petersburg I always make it a point to say Petersburg is my hometown. Petersburg now is not Petersburg past, there is nothing to be ashamed of if you or your ancestors were from Petersburg past. We have the best hopes that Petersburg will get it more together one day. Certainly it has a little something to offer today. Go to Old Town


  7. IDntLkUEeda! // December 5, 2018 at 8:51 pm // Reply

    What a pretentious asshole of a BITCH!!! Petersburg DOES NOT want your ass!!! Don’t EVER come to or thru my city! You go around it on 295. Or else I might send the “dirty” city people to remind you of who they can really be!


  8. What type of dumb privileged person would stereotype an entire community of people that way????? I ask but I already know there answer. She is stupid and prejudice. PETERSBURG deserves a lot better than her.


  9. I was born and raised in Petersburg and I love my hometown. Yes there my be corruption and such. But it will always be my hometown. Why would she say such a horrible thing about this city. She really doesn’t know the history very well. Lee surrendered in Appomattox where I lived for 20 yrs. I am back near my hometown and will never forget where I came from. I love Petersburg


  10. Although Petersburg may have fallen on some difficult times the popular thing to do seems to be to condemn it without question. Maybe you should lower your nose a few notches and educate yourself on the history of this great city. There isn’t a city in the U. S. That hasn’t had tough times. My sympathies for your closed mind and arrogant attitude.


  11. You faggots think you are clever, antagonizing good people who just mind their own business and want only to be left alone by the likes of you . Yes Jesus was so right when He said in the Sermon on the Mount about your kind “They have their reward in full in the here and now “


  12. What???? To the last comment…


    • Lori, there are some who accept the Holy Bible , some who rejected the Holy Bible, and some who don’t know the Holy Bible. Three categories.


  13. This page is a SATIRE!The comments above show the real problem of Petersburg and the end results of its school system….


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