Governor Northam Unsure How He, His Wife, and Their Pool Boy Tested Positive for COVID-19

RICHMOND, Va. — Making his first public statement since testing positive for COVID-19, Gov. Ralph Northam says he is “categorically unsure” as to how he, his wife Pamela, and their pool boy, Seamus O’Shaughnessy, all contracted the life-threatening illness.

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“I took all necessary precautions, and followed all of the protocols,” Northam said in a statement, explaining that he was very perplexed as to how this could have happened. “All in all, I am absolutely flummoxed as to how this could have happened. Also, I didn’t even know we had a pool.”

While unable to pinpoint the exact source of infection, Northam surmised that it could have something to do with the social demands of his office.

“As the Governor, I do shake plenty of hands,” Northam admitted. “I hug people, and people hug me back. I kiss some people on the cheek. If they’re from a foreign territory, I may kiss both cheeks. Sometimes, a kiss on the lips may be called for, but no tongues are involved, or at least they’re not supposed to be.”

“I’ve also been known to engage Seamus in the occasional round of Indian Leg Wrestling, which is usually followed by a shower, “he continued, “but that’s about it. Pretty ordinary stuff.”

Following doctors’ orders, Northam and his wife, along with O’Shaughnessy, will begin a strict 14-day 13-night quarantine in an undisclosed location, possibly in a more temperate climate.

“Recent studies have shown quarantines to be most effective in warmer climates such as Cozumel or Cancun,” Northam stated. “We just want to be far away from anyone, with plenty of fluids, and an aggressive round of unlimited nachos. There, we will focus on getting better, faster, and stronger, together. Pamela is really looking forward to it. Seriously, she’s had a bag packed for weeks.”