Third Presidential Debate Sponsored by Depend

WASHINGTON — In a move that’s been described as “fitting” and “a little too on the nose,” the Commission on Presidential Debates has confirmed that leading adult incontinence management provider Depend will sponsor the final presidential debate this Thursday. 

According to sources, the sponsorship was inspired by the age of the candidates, which are among the oldest in U.S. history.

Phillipe Derriere, a public relations specialist for Depend, says the company is excited to sponsor the event and recognizes the gravity of what is at stake. “After the shit-show from the last debate, we knew we had to get our brand involved,” Derriere commented, “especially with two of our more famous customers sharing the same stage. We can’t think of a better marketing occasion than what will undoubtedly be messy from the start”

Leading the campaign with the slogan “It Doesn’t Matter Who’s Number Two, We Still Lose,” Depend outbid other giants in the diaper industry, including Huggies and Pampers, for the coveted sponsorship. Huggies spokesman Hugh Bowles believed their brand would be a more appropriate fit, citing the debate’s new muted microphone policy.

“When you see two irritable grown men acting like babies, you think Huggies,” Bowles explained. “We thought we were perfect candidates, no pun intended, but it looks like Depend is going to carry the load this time.”

Bowles said the Presidential Debate Committee did offer them a consolation; Huggies will sponsor the ceremonial coin toss at the beginning of the debate to determine which candidate will go number one and which will go number two. 

The debate scheduled for Thursday, October 22nd, at 9 p.m. EST, and is expected to run for ninety minutes, or until one candidate makes a stinky.