Op-ed: That Law That Prohibits Cursing on the Virginia Beach Boardwalk Is Fucking Bullshit

If you’re a true Virginian who hits the luscious shores of Virginia Beach every other weekend during the summer months, then chances are you’re familiar with one of the state’s most unique laws. The law loosely states that no cursing or swear words are allowed to be spoken in the city and is publicized by signs around the boardwalk area.

Well, please allow me to be the first goddamn son of a bitch to tell you that piece of shit law is complete fucking bullshit.

“Why is it complete fucking bullshit?” you may ask. I’ll be happy to tell you why it’s complete fucking bullshit. The answer is simple: freedom of speech, motherfucker. No government entity should have the right to tell you or me when we can or cannot spout a word of curse. This isn’t hate speech or threatening speech we’re committing; we’re dropping f-bombs here, not atomic bombs.

This law — this utter fucking waste of legislative breath — needs to go.

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Last month, I was taking a walk down the boardwalk, minding my own business, watching the waves crash onto the fucking beach. Suddenly, a jogger ran past and clipped me ever so slightly, just enough to cause me to lose my balance and stumble. As a reflex I uttered, “shit” as I regained my composure.

It was like magic, as if saying “shit” summoned a police officer to appear literally out of nowhere. He then proceeded to scold me for having such a foul mouth in front of the sensitive ears of other passersby — many of whom were buried deep in their phones, texting misspelled phrases, words shortened by numbers (C U L8r!), and emojis to their friends, which is a much bigger travesty to the English language, in my humble opinion. Alas, apparently my saying the word “shit” is the larger evil here, since he slapped me with a $250 fine and told me to watch my mouth.

$250? Bullshit. Such bullshit. And such an offense to my fucking constitutional right to say “shit” whenever I fucking please.

My plan to bring down this madness is to run for office. My name is Tommy Wilcox, and you can count on me to bring an end to this goddamn madness. In fact, one of my leading platforms will be to offer a tax rebate to foul-mouthed citizens. Accidentally drop your ice cream on a sunny afternoon? Yell “fuck” to receive 10 cents from the government that you can put towards your taxes. Your eyes suddenly land on some out-of-town kid who is covered head to toe in sunburn? Drop a “holy shit” and you’re basically a step closer to retirement.  

Before you know it, our city of Virginia Beach will be a fucking dazzling and pristine metropolis, void of disgustingly polite speech.

Please note that my plan is a work in progress, but dammit, it’s on the right fucking track. So get out there and fucking vote for me, for a better fucking future for fucking everyone.