RICHMOND, Va. — Marching to protest the existence of a monument to his very own self, the ghost of Robert E. Lee was spotted amongst the protesters at the 5000 Man March, which called for the removal of Confederate monuments, sources confirmed Saturday.
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“Take me down! Take me down!” Lee’s ghost was heard chanting amongst the protesters, holding up a sign that said “CLOSE THE SORES OF WAR!,” a reference to his well-known quote regarding his opposition to Confederate monuments.
“I just wanted the war to be over, but did you apologists listen? Nooooo! I disobeyed Davis’s order to not surrender just so we wouldn’t have to have rampant Confederate guerilla warfare, and I specifically said I didn’t want a statue of myself, but did you listen? Nooooo! Could you just admit defeat and get on with your lives? Nooooo!”
“Unrelated, but you all made me too short,” Lee’s spirit added. “I’m 6’, 2” easily, definitely taller than Stuart over there. Also, what’s a Pornhub?”
Organizers of the 5000 Man March were quick to capitalize on the spirit’s appearance, and changed all signage to read “5000 Man & 1 Ghost March”.
“I mean, we’d be stupid not to,” said organizer Dale Logan. “For god’s sakes, it’s the ghost of General Lee! The ACTUAL General Lee! Not the car from Dukes of Hazzard!”
While at the march, Lee was seen waving to many people, as shaking hands with a ghost proved to be fruitless. He was also seen posing for pictures, once he realized that camera phones were not weapons. When asked about his future plans, Lee said he wanted to see some family and visit some old haunts.
“When last we left Richmond, there was a wicked chess game afoot at 3rd Street Diner,” Lee explained. “It might be nice to see the old gang again.”
When questioned by reporters on his opinion regarding Black Lives Matter, the apparition reportedly hesitated before vanishing into the air.
“Smart move,” said Logan. “At this point it’s really more about the optics.”