ARLINGTON, Va. — A local man in Northern Virginia’s dating scene, Chet Hastings, has expressed extreme disappointment that his standard opening line of “so did you get vaccinated,” has met with a lackluster response, dating officials confirmed Wednesday.
“I’d usually hit them with a ‘hey how’s your week going?” Hastings, who’s profile reads male, 27, 5’10’’, Christian, moderate political beliefs, social drinker, and includes a photo of him holding a dead fish, explained, “but that wasn’t working too well, so I figured I’d spice it up a bit.”
According to reports, Hastings began with the more direct “Moderna or Pfizer?” but he believed that to be a bit presumptuous and excluded the “peasants” that only received the singular Johnson & Johnson vaccine.
Hastings, a single consultant residing in Clarendon, claims he should be “slaying” with the ladies, as is the common parlance among the pitiful unmarried crowd, but the pandemic has hit his demographic especially hard. “Because of the pandemic, I haven’t been able to go on my usual one date every three months. This stupid virus is the reason I haven’t gotten laid in four years.”
However, his dating cohorts on the other side of the field tell a different story, placing blame on his vaccine icebreaker. Courtney Estrada, another dating app user (female, 24, 5’3’’, spiritual, liberal, “loves to laugh,” fluent in sarcasm) says that openers about vaccines are too unoriginal.
“Vaccination questions are so lame,” she explained in a recent statement. “I want a man who will live dangerously, who will sweep me off my feet, and feed me tacos. You know, a real wild man.”
Samantha Newman (female, 26, 5’6’’ but likes to wear heels, spiritual, liberal, looking for the Jim to her Pam, and lover of spicy margs) felt similarly.
“Vaccines are so boring. Back when my parents were dating, my Dad drove my Mom to Charleston, S.C. after three bottles of champagne on a company picnic, that’s the kind of thing I’m looking for, someone adventurous, kind, reasonably tall, and spontaneous.”
Despite criticisms, Hastings has continued to start off with his vaccine line, but has also tried to spice it up with other vaccines. Examples include, “hey girl, you know what sucks? Polio. Thank you, Jonas Salk!,” “moderna or pfizer? please, give me a standard tetanus shot anyday,” or even, “you know what could really put a damper on our relationship? HPV. Ask your physician if Gardasil is right for you!”
As expected, courting women via borderline HIPAA violations has been a non-starter. However, Hastings is committed to upping his game in order to adapt.
“If this doesn’t work, I may have to fall back to the pre-pandemic line of “hello beautiful,” or my ultimate pickup line of “hey.” I think those both have a lot of potential.”