RICHMOND, Va. — After observing a group of locals wrap up yet another round of boutique vintage bowling, researchers have concluded that Richmond is running out of new activities to participate in while drunk, sources confirmed Monday.
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“We’ve been bringing in everything we can think of over the past few years to give individuals something to do while drinking heavily,” city official Mark Roberts said. “We brought in pool tables, beer tours, and painting paired with wine. We even opened a new barcade recently, but then we remembered we already have one.”
After finishing up a full weekend of pinball, cornhole, and cosmopolitan shuffleboard, Fan resident Jason Weatherly confirmed that the city is slowing down on fresh alcohol-fueled activities. “My friends and I just don’t really know what to do with ourselves anymore while we drink,” Weatherly said while throwing an axe purely for fun. “Richmond used to have all these new things popping up, but at this point we’ve done them all and we’re getting bored.”
Roberts further explained at a local press conference last week that drunk activities keep the local economy strong. The city has worked to make Richmond an enjoyable place for both residents and visitors, and is currently looking to add bars that offer activities such as sword fighting, chainsaw throwing, and an even bigger giant Jenga.
“We’re working hard to find new ways to entertain our citizens, since drinking alcohol isn’t enough of an activity anymore,” Roberts told reporters.
At press time, reporters overheard a group of locals decide to call it a night rather than sit at a bar and try to make conversation with each other.
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