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Virginia Tech Offensive Line to Be Tested for Performance-Diminishing Drugs

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Following a fourth quarter collapse against their longtime rival, the Virginia Cavaliers, in Friday’s Commonwealth Cup, the offensive line of the Virginia Tech Hokies is now suspected of using performance-diminishing drugs (PDD) during the game, sources revealed Saturday. 

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If confirmed, the charges could lead to fines and suspensions from the NCAA, and a standing invitation from UVA to play at Scott Stadium any time.

Suspicions were raised in the fourth quarter, when it appeared that the Hokies’ entire goddamn offensive line apparently forgot they were supposed to protect their quarterback—a telltale sign of PDD use. With a narrow 3-point lead and less than 1:30 left to play, the Cavaliers were welcomed across the line of scrimmage to sack Hokie quarterback Hendon Hooker twice, the second of which led to a fumble and a defensive recovery for a touchdown.

“I don’t get it,” Hooker said following the game. “Our boys had been solid holding the line and then suddenly they’re out there moving like they’re on horse tranquilizers.”

UVA defensive end Mandy Alonso, whose sack forced the game-ending fumble, noticed a pronounced sluggishness among the Hokie linemen during the game. “They were drooling a lot more than usual, and it sounded like some of them were actually snoring,” Alonso recalled. “I took that to mean they had either eaten Thanksgiving leftovers at halftime or were huffing engine starter from a tube sock. Either way, I was able to take advantage and make a big play.”

The Virginia Tech athletic department swiftly denied the allegations of performance-diminishing drug use, claiming the team doesn’t need help losing this season. “These boys are perfectly capable of shitting the bed on their own,” head coach Justin Fuente said during the post-game press conference. “Anyone who follows us knows this, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let their mediocrity be taken from them.”

Despite the loss, Virginia Tech is still expected to earn an invitation to the 2019 Ambien Bowl.

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