Liberty Announces Opening of Jerry Falwell Memorial Coal Mine

LYNCHBURG, Va. — Liberty University announced today the opening of a new coal mine in honor of their founder, Jerry Falwell Sr.

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The mine is said to be capable of providing the university with enough fossil fuel energy to deny climate change for many years to come, or at least until the world ends due to climate change. 

“My father dreamed of a university founded on the rock of Christ and the utilization of fossil fuels,” Liberty president Jerry Falwell Jr. said in a statement. “With the opening of our new coal mine, Liberty continues to honor his dream of a world completely dependent on oil, coal, and gas.” 

Interestingly, since the school disavows the existence of dinosaurs, the “fossils” at issue have been reframed as “the bones of the nonbelievers and homosexuals.”

Along with the opening of the coal mine, Liberty also announced that they will now be offering a coal production major. “With this new mine and major,” Falwell Jr. said, “we hope to pay back our friends in the coal industry for their support over the years.” 

Topics of study will include how to exploit laborers to get the most profit while avoiding workers’ compensation claims, practical coal ash pollution, and why using the term clean coal actually makes coal cleaner. 

When asked who would operate the coal mine when students were away, Falwell Jr. responded, “Why, Dominion Energy of course!”

In addition to the coal mine, sources within the university have also reported that plans are already being developed for a Jerry Falwell Sr. Memorial petroleum refinery and whale oil refinery.