Richmond Police Reports They’re the Ones Who Killed Bin Laden

RICHMOND, Va. — Claiming their efforts as one of the police department’s best victories yet, the Richmond Police Department (RPD) has taken responsibility for coordinating the raid that killed Osama bin Laden, the department confirmed Monday.

“We’re proud to report that Operation Neptune Spear — which was the raid that took out al-Qaeda’s most wanted leader — was the result of the hard and dedicated work from our city’s police department,” Don Bonner, a spokesperson for RPD said at a press conference, adding that it was an anonymous tip that referred RPD to bin Laden’s compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan.

“In the days leading up to May 2, 2011, we received an anonymous tip that led us to believe bin Laden was hiding in this specific compound. After receiving an appropriate warrant from Richmond’s Commonwealth Attorney, we quickly mobilized a few of our finest officers and put them on a plane out of Washington Dulles Airport to Pakistan.”

Bonner noted that had the police force been able to get a flight out of Richmond International Airport, the raid likely would’ve taken place a day earlier. 

“Upon arriving in Pakistan,” Bonner continued, “our officers wasted no time in tracking bin Laden to a large house outside of Abbottabad. Using stealth helicopters, we carefully approached the building, and did what we do best — fired a shit-ton of tear gas into the building. Once inside, our officers were able to track down and subsequently eliminate their primary target.”

After confirming bin Laden had been killed, Bonner claimed that the officers evacuated everyone out of the building safely, rescued approximately 240 hostages, and recovered multiple bottles of Pappy Van Winkle bourbon that were returned to Richmond.

“We’d like to again thank our anonymous tipper for pointing us in the right direction — this is what happens when the police and their community work together,” Bonner added.

The department concluded the statement by informing the public that any and all thank you cards could be sent to the department’s headquarters on Grace Street.