State of Emergency Declared; Mechanicsville Resident Believes Name of State Has Been Changed to Emergency

MECHANICSVILLE, Va. — Following Gov. Ralph Northam’s decision to declare a state of emergency in advance of Hurricane Florence’s arrival, Mechanicsville resident Harry Richards now believes he lives in a new state called “Emergency,” sources confirmed Thursday.

“So I live in Mechanicsville, Emergency now? That’s the dumbest damn thing those government know-it-alls ever came up with,” Richards said in an exclusive interview, adding that he wasn’t exactly sure what could have prompted the name change. “Why is the Commonwealth now named ‘Emergency?’ Is it because of those rumors about Terry ‘Lizard Man’ McAuliffe running for president? If that’s the case, I completely get it.”

Richards concluded his rant by announcing that he planned to contact both his bank and insurance provider to notify them of the name change and to make sure Emergency was still part of the United States. “I swear if this is some Liberal plot to turn me into an illegal, that tropical lady storm is going to be the least of their worries.”

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