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Amanda Chase Apologizes in Advance for Next Horrible Words and Deeds

RICHMOND, Va. — Claiming that her campaign schedule is becoming more demanding by the day, Virginia Sen. Amanda Chase (R-Chesterfield) gave a heartfelt preemptive apology for the unconscionable things she will undoubtedly say or do in the coming weeks and months.

“The life of a state senator is always busy, and that’s doubly true for one running for re-election,” Chase said from her Chesterfield campaign office. “That’s why I want to go ahead and let everyone know now just how sorry I am for whatever mortifying or caustically insensitive thing I do that embarrasses myself and my constituents.”

After experiencing a rash of public missteps in 2019—from openly carrying a handgun on the Senate floor while introducing a bill in opposition to the Equal Rights Amendment, to blaming rape survivors for being “naive and unprepared” by not carrying a firearm—Senator Chase believes an anticipatory mea culpa to be the most practical way to control the narrative and ensure that her next hurtful or mortifying remark doesn’t detract from her re-election effort.

“Look, I have a message to get out to the people, and I can’t let another enraged outburst at a uniformed officer and subsequent racially-charged public denial get in the way of that,” Chase said. “I mean, what good is it trying to cut taxes or protect religious freedom when all people are talking about is how you verbally abused an African American policewoman for doing her job and then accused her of basing her actions on perceived white privilege? So I just want everyone to know how sorry I am today for whatever mean-spirited act is undoubtedly going to happen on my part tomorrow.”

At press time, Senator Chase was seen angrily walking into the office of state Sen. Jennifer McClellan (D-Richmond) with a fire extinguisher in hand, despite no fire alarm being reported.

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