WASHINGTON — Stock prices are expected to soar when trading resumes after President Trump pointed to the vast amounts of coal in his stocking on Christmas morning as definitive proof that Virginia’s coal industry is booming.
The President awoke this morning to find that Santa Claus left him a 12-foot stocking filled with approximately two metric tons of coal. “I received more coal in my stocking than any other president ever has,” President Trump said in a statement. “It’s because Santa really likes me. He’s a great guy. I had him down to Mar-a-Lago once. Wonderful guy.”
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The President also commented about his current term, linking the his behavior in office with the lumps of coal left by Santa. “I was a good boy this year. Really, the best boy this year, and I think you know that about me. The lying news media will tell you I wasn’t a good boy this year, but they aren’t paying attention to the success of Virginia’s coal industry, which has been producing record amounts of the cleanest coal we’ve ever seen, and this is all the proof you need.”
“We’re making tremendous steps in energy production, huge steps,” Trump added, pouring some lumps out onto the presidential podium.
Coal demand has steadily declined since 1990 and then dove sharply in 2008. However, since November 8, 2016, Virginia’s coal production has been on the rise, largely due to the massive orders placed by Santa Claus toward the end of the year.
Chet McLaughlin, a spokesperson for the Virginia Division of Geology and Mineral Resources, also provided some insight to the coal overflowing from Trump’s stocking.
“We assume Santa must be able to see into the future because he immediately increased his order shortly after the inauguration,” McLaughlin told reporters. “We view Trump as the best thing to happen to coal since the decline of whale oil. Between the racist comments, tax cuts for the ultra-wealthy, and Trump’s disdain for common decency, we are already projecting a 200 percent increase in demand from the North Pole for next year.”
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