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Breaking: Politicians Can’t Decide if You’re Better off Dead, or Jobless and Then Dead

RICHMOND, Va. — In an emergency meeting of the General Assembly, politicians from across the commonwealth gathered to settle a pressing question in the midst of the current pandemic: Are you better off dead, or jobless and then dead?

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Rep. Roland Horvath (R) took the floor claiming that the citizenry is generally better off dead. “I think it’s clear that when citizens are dead, they usually can’t vote, except in New Orleans and Detroit, and when they vote, we all could lose our jobs, so I’m saying we open everything up and, fingers crossed, enough of them will die that we can vote for another pay raise for ourselves this time next year, no questions asked.”

Rep. Carla Morris (D) responded by saying, “I respect Mr. Horvath’s recommendation, but believe that it is far too short sighted. I believe that the citizens of this commonwealth are better off jobless first, and then dead. If they’re jobless, then they can suckle at our collective teat for a while and then they’ll die anyway, so problem solved.”

Morris continued, “At least while they’re alive and jobless we can pass some totally not self-serving legislation in the interim that they can complain about on Facebook. That’s always entertaining to watch.”

Morris and Horvath then jointly proposed a new jobs program which, as written, appears to simply be a list of servant vacancies at each of their respective estates.

The two party leaders have agreed to put their political differences aside in the interest of ensuring that we’re all still miserable come July. The move has been praised as a workable compromise by Kyle Fredericks, an opinion columnist who has been assured he will retain his job as “useful media lackey” and not be sent to die in the killing fields of Kroger by the General Assembly.

Horvath concluded the joint session, saying, “I think this agreement to keep commonwealth constituents generally unhappy for an extended period of time, then jobless, and then, hopefully, dead will benefit all of us–specifically the individuals in this particular room right now.”

He added, “I’m hoping for a return to normalcy by November, when we can all go back to enthusiastically arguing about which party’s old, rich, white sexual abuser is the best hope for our future.”

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